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Welcome!

The Early Homecoming podcast is dedicated to helping missionaries who return home early and to helping those who care about them. Below you can listen and learn more from those who decided to (or had to) stay home after returning early. You can also listen to episodes in other categories.

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Podcast Episodes: Staying Home

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Episode 44: Jake shares his story of growing up with cerebral palsy, becoming inactive, discovering himself as an LGBTQ individual, returning to church, serving a mission, and returning home early due to belated confession

Jake was born with cerebral palsy and as a result was often excluded from activities as a youth in the church. As a result of this exclusion, and a falling out with a friend, Jake became inactive during his later teen and young adult years. He is part of the LGBTQ+ community and identifies most closely as queer. While he was away from the Church, Jake had a close brush with suicide and felt the Spirit tell him to “come home.” Jake contacted the missionaries who helped reignite his testimony and desire to come back to church. Shortly after coming back, Jake decided to serve a mission despite his physical limitations. While on his mission, Jake realized that there were things from his past that still needed to be cleared up, particularly related to homosexual immorality, and he opened up to his mission president. Jake was sent home, which he initially felt peace about, but upon returning home was treated in a way that led him into inactivity again. Jake is currently trying to find peace again with the Church, but in the meantime is also doing what he can to deepen his relationship with God and Jesus Christ. He shares with me his insightful perspective on church policies and discipline, as well as how being different in the Church can be extremely difficult. Jake is very open, raw, honest, and vulnerable in this interview and anyone would benefit from listening to his story.

Episode 41: Pascal Friedmann shares his story of returning home early due to severe thyroid dysfunction

In this episode, Pascal tells me his story about returning home early due to a prolonged illness that started about a month after he arrived in the field. It was misdiagnosed as depression and homesickness, but turned out to be severe thyroid dysfunction. Pascal shares how he was ostracized by many in his ward back home in Germany and how that led to a period of inactivity because he felt like he didn’t belong. When he moved to Utah for school, he felt like he was able to start over with the church and found fellowship and understanding. Pascal also shares his story of conversion to the church and how his testimony helped him to stay in the church even when it was hard. He also tells me about the miracles that happened during this trial and shares wisdom he’s gained for anyone going through something similar.

Episode 39: JT shares his experience of returning home early due to depression

JT had never experienced depression before his mission. He recalls being bullied in the MTC by his companions for six weeks before finding relief in the field before the depression got worse. He stopped feeling his emotions, had bad insomnia, and eventually suicidal thinking. Upon returning home, he felt like such a failure. He was very confused about what had happened to his mental health as he began to experience panic attacks. He saw a therapist which was helpful and also eventually got involved with Mission Fortify and became and early-returned missionary coach which helped his healing process immensely. Although JT isn’t overly fond of talking about his mission today, he wouldn’t change anything because he feels like it’s made him better.

Episode 36: Sarah shares her story of experiencing covert abuse from a companion and her dad while also returning home early for physical health reasons

Sarah was sent home during the COVID-19 pandemic because of physical health problems. She begged her mission president to stay, but he was concerned she wouldn’t get the help she needed if an emergency happened and so after 15 months in the field, she went home. At the time, she was also experiencing covert abuse from her companion which brought up a PTSD response of abuse she had experienced from her dad. In this episode, she discusses that abuse, the trauma it inflicted, and what she has learned by going through this trial.

Episode 35: Josie shares her story of coming home early after 15 months due to stress, anxiety, and panic attacks, and going through a faith crisis

In this episode, Josie shares her story of coming home early after 15 months due to stress, anxiety, and panic attacks that increased in severity. Gospel activities triggered large amounts of anxiety for her, leaving her scared and confused, and she began to abandon the truths she had always held dear. The gospel began to fuel her anxiety rather than soothe it. Through this trial, Josie is better able to help others who question their faith or leave the Church. Her testimony is stronger for having gone through her faith crisis, but she understands what it’s like to be on the margins of Church culture.

Episode 34: Tyler talks about his journey of intense anxiety, leaving the church, and returning to full activity

Tyler came home early due to intense anxiety and panic attacks after serving in the Spokane Washington Mission for 3 months. He actually loved being out on his mission, but his mind would not let him be stable. The experience of returning home early challenged his relationship with God and he left the church for a short time. He tells me that it was easier to think that God wasn’t real at all. He has since returned to full activity and he talks to me about what happened to get him to where he is now–happy and even more deeply committed to the Lord.

Episode 33: Ruby shares her journey of returning home early due to extreme depression, self-harm, and suicidal thinking

Ruby began struggling right from the get-go on her mission during at-at home MTC (due to COVID-19 restrictions). Her struggle soon turned into extreme depression and shortly after arriving in the field, she began to self-harm . She recalls feeling temporary relief upon cutting herself, but then felt guilt and like she wasn’t worthy and had failed God and her assignment as a missionary by self-harming. The depression continued though and soon she found herself making a suicide plan. She was sent home and felt like there was something irreparably broken inside of her upon returning home early. She felt abandoned by God and seriously considered leaving the Church. Her suicidal thinking and planning continued too upon returning home. In this raw interview, Ruby shares her pain and struggles openly, but also discusses how she has continuously overcome the worst of her depression and why she wants to live even though the pain is still there. She also shares poignant testimony of why she has chosen to stay in the Church and how she has deepened her relationship with her Heavenly Parents through this trial.

Episode 31: Elizabeth discusses returning home early due to OCD Scrupulosity and creating BeyondMyBadge.org

In this episode, Elizabeth shares her struggle with OCD scrupulosity, which she describes best as “perfectionism.” On her mission, Elizabeth was very focused on always doing things right (which caused her to constantly feel that she was doing things wrong.) This confusion led to her being very rigid and upset with her companions. She also felt unworthy to be a missionary because she wasn’t perfect. After five months, she went home and began unpacking what had happened. As her healing began, she came to accept the Atonement and let it into her heart rather than feeling like its healing powers were something she had to earn. She tells me about why she created BeyondMyBadge.org and what it has to offer early-returned missionaries as a resource website. Elizabeth is inspiring and if anyone is seeking to heal from OCD or perfectionism, listen to this episode and let the healing begin.

Episode 30: Drew Young, author of the new book “The Meaning of Your Mission: Lessons and Principles to Know You Are Enough,” shares with me his experience of returning home early from the MTC due to mental health struggles.

Drew Young, author of the new book “The Meaning of Your Mission: Lessons and Principles to Know You Are Enough,” shares with me his experience of returning home early from the MTC due to mental health struggles. He walks me through his journey of navigating years of lonely nights and suicidal thoughts to ultimately writing his book and sharing his story, and what he learned from it, with the world. Join me in listening to Drew as he discusses principles such as progress vs. perfection, exact obedience vs. obedience, the reasons we need to be careful about prying into people’s trials, and the anatomy of a mission call. Drew is an uplifting and engaging speaker who seeks to help others understand their greater missions in life and how our trials help us become who we are meant to be.

Episode 29: Lizzy tells her story of returning home early due to a dizziness that never stopped

In this episode, Lizzy shares her story of returning home early due to a dizziness that never stopped. Many people around her thought that anxiety was the cause of the dizziness and she struggled to find someone who would listen to her and give her the help she needed. After two and a half years, she finally received a diagnosis and was able to get the surgery she needed and begin the path to physical healing. She shares with me the anger and frustration she felt at others, herself, and God during this time, but also the peace and comfort she received along the way and how she is now able to move forward with forgiveness.

Episode 28: Rian shares her story of returning home early due to toxic perfectionism

In this episode, Rian shares with me her story of returning home early due to toxic perfectionism, something that she didn’t realize she struggled with until she was on her mission and her usual coping mechanisms were gone. She suffered from physical and mental symptoms of the perfectionism such as stomach aches, anxiety, and panic attacks. She often felt like a failure while on her mission and eventually realized she needed to return home to get the help she needed. Although she felt broken upon returning home early, Rian has learned a lot about managing her perfectionism and shares openly the tools she has learned and gained, mainly through therapy. She also shares how her faith has increased through this trial, how she has gained empathy and understanding for others. and how she now looks back on this trial of returning home early as a sacred personal experience.

Episode 27: McKenzie discusses returning home early due to anxiety and homesickness

McKenzie has struggled with anxiety for most of her life, but when the prompting came to serve a mission, she faithfully accepted the call to serve. While she loved several parts of missionary work, she continued to struggle with anxiety and often felt overwhelmed and tired. She struggled to sleep for five months and her mental and physical health took a toll before she decided to return home early. She came home to supportive parents and leaders and a little more than a year later is doing very well and is able to look at her mission experience healthily. She particularly talks about overcoming discouragement from the adversary and what she leans on when days are hard. Her thoughts will benefit any returned missionary (early or otherwise) who is struggling with anxiety or discouragement about his or her mission experience.

Episode 25: What can I expect if I stay home?

In this episode, five missionaries who came home early for various reasons, and chose to stay home, answer questions previously submitted via a questionnaire distributed on social media. They discuss their experiences with making the decision to stay home, moving forward with life, dealing with the guilt of not returning, whether or not they feel like “real returned missionaries,” and how they talk about and feel about their missions now. If you are struggling with the decision to stay home or go back out, or if you have already made the decision to stay home and just want to know what you can expect next, listen to this episode and continue the healing process.

Episode 23: Layton returns home early due to a suicide threat after seeing a robber in his home

In this episode, Layton shares his story of the trauma he experienced on his mission from seeing a robber in his home and the suicide threat that resulted from his inability to cope with that trauma. Layton also discusses the homesickness he was already feeling and how the experience with the robber compounded that anxiety. However, despite these harrowing subjects, this podcast is filled with a message of hope from Layton as he discusses what helped him process these experiences and the immense love he has felt from the Savior and those around him. He shares resources, experiences, and testimony and talks about how he can now think back fondly on his mission and enjoy life.

Episode 22: Sophie Returns Home Early Due to COVID-19

Sophie served in the Washington D.C. North mission for 17 months before needing to return home early to Vienna, Austria due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Even though she nearly completed her intended amount of time on a mission, Sophie is still facing many of the same challenges as other missionaries who have needed to return home early due to the pandemic. She and I also discuss how Austria is handling the pandemic and the similarities and differences between Austria and the United States. Since returning home, Sophie has created a blog for all missionaries who have needed to return home due to COVID-19 called “The Quarantined RM” which you can find at quarantinedrm.wordpress.com.

Episode 17: Thea Shares What She Learned by Coming Home Early Twice for Worthiness Reasons

In this episode, Thea shares openly and candidly her two experiences of returning home early for worthiness reasons—the first time for belated confession and the second time for serious disobedience in the field. Thea shares with me what it was like to experience the stigma of returning home early for worthiness reasons, how she suffered from “crippling isolation,” distrust, and self-hatred. However, she also shares a strong message of HOPE for anyone else going through a serious repentance process and about the healing she experienced through the power of Christ’s atonement. She also shares how she was able to turn this trial into a good thing—she now goes about doing good by sharing her story and inspiring others to continue living the gospel and to find peace in their lives.

Episode 15: A Young Woman Shares Her Story of Struggling with Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, and a Lack of Parental Support

In this interview, a young woman who has chosen to remain anonymous, tells me about her struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts both while on her mission and after returning home early. She discusses the things that helped her—mainly therapy and a supportive bishop—and what wounded her further. She also discusses the rocky relationship that developed between her and her mom due to her mom’s lack of understanding about the depression (discussed at about 21.5 minutes in). This interview will allow you to really feel the rawness of depression, but also hope that things can get better as you continue to do the work to manage the depression and stay close to your Heavenly Father.

Episode 14: Austin Discusses Returning Home Early from the MTC

In this episode, Austin tells me about his experience of returning home after 10 days from the Provo MTC due to a sudden onset of severe anxiety and panic. He returned home to supportive family, friends, and leaders for the most part, but still struggled for several years to define his mission. Was it a mission? Could he say he had served a mission? What should he call that experience? Austin discusses how he has begun to make peace with those questions and also how he moved forward from the trauma of returning home early. He is now able to speak openly about his mission and experience with returning home early.

Episode 13: Brian Recounts what He has Learned the Last 20 Years from Coming Home Early due to Homesickness

This episode is especially for anyone who has been carrying the burden of coming home early for more than ten years. It is also especially for anyone who has born the brunt of unkind comments or false notions in our church culture. Brian suffered from homesickness shortly after entering the field. He chose to return home after six months and doing so felt like admitting defeat. It took him decades to find peace and support and he shares his journey with me in this episode.

Episode 10: Alyssa Shares her Struggles with Depression and Self-Harm while on a Mission

Alyssa served for eight weeks in the field with two trainers, one of which was very unkind to her. As a result of the constant belittlement, Alyssa began to dive deeper into depression and began to self-harm (which she delves more into at 26:13). She also lost a lot of weight due to the stress and depression. While she did have a good support system upon returning home, she did deal with a lack of understanding about the serious nature of self-harming and depression. Despite being home for only five months, Alyssa has a very positive outlook on life and talks about her healing journey openly and candidly.

Episode 6: Hayden’s Story of Severe Physical Illness, Mistreatment, Falling Away from the Church, Coming Back, Forgiving Others, and Finding Peace

Hayden came home early due to a severe case of H. Pylori. He was mistreated by his companion and mission president, probably due to major misunderstandings about his condition. However, the scars of what was said to him remained for years. Hayden was further judged and mistreated by various ward members for several months after his early return, causing him to no longer feel welcome at church. He was also rejected by several girls he tried to date because he came home early. Wanting to avoid further pain, Hayden went through a period of inactivity in the church and experimented with various substances. Eventually, he was able to turn things around and find peace by talking to others who came home early about his experience. When he came back to church, he had very kind, understanding leaders who helped him on the path of repentance. He also eventually met a wonderful young woman and they were later sealed in the temple. Hayden explains to me how he has continued to recover from his mission experience and forgive those who harmed him.

Episode 5: Deby’s Dual Perspective as an Early-Returned Missionary and as the Parent of an Early-Returned Missionary

Deby returned home early from her mission in the Washington D.C. South Mission 29 years ago. She shares her struggles with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. She discusses how she was mistreated upon returning home early and how it took her ten years before she ever even spoke about her mission. Just recently, her daughter returned home early from a mission and she shares what it was like for her to watch her daughter go through the experience. Deby offers timeless advice to both early-returned missionaries and parents in this personal, insightful episode.

Episode 3: Nathan’s Story of Dealing with Severe Insomnia and Discovering the Validity of Caring for Oneself

Nathan Winters, author of the Medium article, “What Early-Returned Missionaries Want You to Know,” gives a raw interview where he shares his struggles with insomnia on his Latter-day Saint mission, his attempts to grapple cultural notions of “Forget yourself and go to work” with his great need to take care of himself, and how he is coping four months after his early return. Nathan also discusses what he has been found helpful and unhelpful from others who have tried to help him upon his early return.

Episode 2: Macady’s Story of Coping with Depression and Finding Hope

Macady was diagnosed with depression before deciding to serve a mission, but worked really hard to overcome her illness to still serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She was happy in the MTC, but soon felt the incoming of depression as soon as she arrived in the field. Due to a lack of understanding from her mission president, his wife, and those around her, she was sent home after just four weeks of service. In this episode, Macady relates to me her struggle with feeling unwanted and her deep shame of coming home early.

Episode 1: My Story of Battling Parasites and Finding Peace with Returning Home Early

This is my story of returning home early from my Latter-day Saint mission. With the help of my husband, James, I navigate the listener through my experience of choosing to serve a mission, to feeling ill, to my hospital stays in the Philippines, to making the decision to return home early, to choosing to stay home, to finally where I am now: completely at peace with my mission and coming home early.

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